What A Child's Behaviour Might Be Telling You

Part 7 of the Understanding your child's emotions series

A child refuses to put their shoes on. Another disappears into their bedroom after school and insisting that everything is "fine".

Adults will often focus on the behaviours they see, yet this is often only the visible part of the story. A child’s thoughts, feelings, needs, expectations and experiences are often hidden. To understand their behaviour, we may need to stop asking: "How do I stop this behaviour?"

and wonder: "What might this behaviour be telling me?"

Looking Beneath the Surface

Psychologists have long argued that behaviour serves a purpose. From a functionalist perspective, emotions evolved because they helped humans respond to important situations (Frijda, 2006). Fear can encourage caution, anger can signal a blocked goal, for example. If emotions serve functions, then behaviour may be an attempt to act on those emotions. However, a child who shouts may not simply be "angry". They may be feeling treated unfairly, struggling with frustration, feeling powerless, or being overwhelmed by a situation. The behaviour is visible but not the underlying experience.

Not All Behaviour Means the Same Thing

One of the most common mistakes is assuming that the same behaviour always has the same cause. Perhaps three children refuse to join an activity. One may be too anxious, one too tired, the other not sure what to do. The behaviour may look the same but curiosity is more useful than assumption.

The Emotional Need Underneath

Although every child is different, certain emotional needs frequently sit underneath challenging behaviour.

Connection

Children often seek closeness and reassurance when they feel uncertain.

Sometimes this looks like:

• clinginess,

• attention-seeking,

• repeated questions,

• difficulty separating.

From the child's perspective, the behaviour may simply be an attempt to feel safe.

Competence

Children want to feel capable. When a task feels too difficult, behaviour can change. Some children become angry. Others avoid the task completely. Others insist they don't care. The behaviour may disguise a fear of failure.

Autonomy

Children also want increasing independence. Many power struggles occur when children feel a lack of control. Refusal, arguing and resistance may sometimes reflect a desire for greater influence over their environment.

Fairness

As children develop, their sense of fairness becomes increasingly important, and their anger as perceived misjustice is evidence of this. You may recognise the phrase: "That's not fair!" Feelings of unfairness often trigger strong emotional reactions because fairness plays an important role in social relationships and cooperation.

Behaviour Isn't Always About Emotion

Although emotions are important, they are not the only explanation for behaviour, and as looked at in previous posts in the series, there is overlap with:

• tiredness,

• hunger,

• sensory overload,

• illness,

• uncertainty,

• misunderstanding.

As discussed in post 6 about the body budget, emotional regulation becomes much harder when physical resources are running low (Barrett, 2017).

• A child who appears angry may actually be exhausted.

• A child who seems defiant may be overwhelmed.

• A child who looks disengaged may simply need rest.

Looking beneath behaviour means considering the whole child, not just their emotions.

What Children Learn From Adult Responses

Children pay close attention to how adults interpret behaviour. If behaviour is met only with criticism, children may learn that difficult feelings should be hidden. If behaviour is met only with sympathy, children may struggle to learn responsibility. The challenge is finding a balance.

Emotion coaching research suggests that acknowledging emotions while maintaining boundaries can help children develop emotional understanding and self-regulation (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1997). In other words: Feelings can be accepted. Behaviour can still be guided. A child can hear: "I can see you're frustrated," while also hearing: "It's not okay to hit."

Curiosity Changes the Conversation

Imagine two responses to the same behaviour.

Response One "Stop being difficult."

Response Two "Something seems to be making this hard for you right now."

One response focuses solely on behaviour. The other attempts to understand the behaviour.

This does not mean adults should ignore boundaries. It simply means understanding tends to produce better solutions than judgement. The more accurately we understand the reason behind behaviour, the more effectively we can respond.

 

What Might This Mean in Practice?

When behaviour becomes challenging, it can be helpful to ask:

• What emotion might be present?

• What need might be driving this behaviour?

• What happened immediately beforehand?

• What is the child's current physical state?

• What skills might still be developing?

These questions do not excuse behaviour. They help explain it. And understanding often comes before change.

Try This

The next time a child's behaviour frustrates you, pause for a moment and ask: What might be going on underneath this? You may not know the answer immediately. But asking the question often changes the way the situation is approached.

Questions for Reflection

• Which behaviours do you find most difficult to understand?

• How often do adults focus on behaviour rather than the feelings underneath?

• Are some behaviours more likely to reflect unmet needs than others?

• What emotional messages are children receiving from adult responses?

• How might curiosity change difficult interactions?

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Key Takeaway

Behaviour is not the whole story. It is often the visible expression of something happening beneath the surface. Sometimes that involves emotions. Sometimes it involves unmet needs.

Sometimes it involves stress, uncertainty, tiredness or developing skills. The goal is not to excuse behaviour. The goal is to understand it well enough to respond effectively.

References

Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain.

Frijda, N. H. (2006). The Laws of Emotion.

Gottman, J., Katz, L., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-Emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally.

Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2012). The Whole-Brain Child.