Emotions Point Towards Needs

Part 8 of the Understanding your child's emotions series

Beneath each emotion may be a need. They may even have evolved because they helped us respond to important situations and challenges (Frijda, 2006; Darwin, 1872). From this perspective, emotions are not random. They are signals. The interesting question is: What is the emotion signalling?

Emotions Are Not Good or Bad

Children often learn very quickly that some emotions are considered acceptable while others are not: Happiness tends to be welcomed; Anger often is not; Anxiety can make adults uncomfortable; Sadness is frequently something people try to "fix". Yet emotions themselves are neither good nor bad.

Psychologist Nico Frijda argued that emotions can be understood as action tendencies. In simple terms, emotions prepare people to respond to situations in different ways (Frijda, 2006): Fear encourages caution; Anger promotes action; Sadness encourages support and reflection; Joy encourages connection and exploration. Whether those actions are helpful depends on the situation. The emotion itself is simply providing information.

What Need Is the Emotion Pointing Towards?

A useful way to think about emotions is to ask: If this emotion had a message, what might it be saying? The answer is rarely perfect. However, the question often helps adults move beyond behaviour and towards understanding.

Fear Often Points Towards Safety

Fear is one of the most obvious examples. A child worried about a school trip may not simply need reassurance. More specifically, they may need information, predictability, preparation, confidence, a sense of safety. Fear may have evolved to help humans identify potential threats but the problem is that the brain sometimes treats uncertainty as though it were danger.

For children, unfamiliar situations can feel much bigger because they have less experience to draw upon. The emotion may be saying: "I need to know that I'll be okay."

Sadness Often Points Towards Connection

When children feel disappointed, rejected or hurt, sadness often follows. Although sadness can be uncomfortable to observe, many psychologists believe it serves important social functions (Frijda, 2006), encouraging support, comfort, reflection, social connection. A child crying after falling out with a friend may not need a solution immediately. They may first need someone who understands. The underlying message may be: "I need connection."

Anger Often Points Towards Fairness or Blocked Goals

Few emotions create more difficulties for adults than anger. Yet anger is often easier to understand when viewed through a functional lens. It commonly appears when: goals are blocked, boundaries are crossed, expectations are violated, situations feel unfair. Children frequently experience anger when they have little control over events. The familiar cry: "That's not fair!" often tells us a great deal. The underlying message may be: "Something feels wrong” or "Something important isn't happening the way I expected." This does not mean every angry reaction is justified. It simply means anger usually has a purpose.

Frustration Often Points Towards Competence

Children want to feel capable. They want to succeed. They want to master new skills. When something repeatedly feels difficult, frustration often emerges. Psychologist Albert Bandura's work highlighted the importance of self-efficacy, a person's belief in their ability to succeed (Bandura, 1977). Children who repeatedly experience failure often become discouraged. Some give up, others become angry, others insist they "don't care". The behaviour may look very different. The need underneath is often similar: "I want to feel competent."

Embarrassment and Shame Often Point Towards Belonging

Humans are social creatures. Children care enormously about being accepted by others., and feelings such as embarrassment and shame often emerge when social belonging feels threatened. A child who is embarrassed after making a mistake may be worrying about how others see them; a child who feels ashamed may fear rejection or criticism. The need beneath these emotions is often: "I need to know that I still belong." This is one reason why harsh criticism can have such a powerful emotional impact. Children may hear more than correction. They may hear a threat to belonging.

Not Every Need Should Be Met

At this point, an important clarification is needed: Understanding a need is not the same as giving in. For example: A child may be angry because they want another biscuit. The emotion may point towards a desire. That does not mean the desire must be satisfied. Understanding emotions is about recognising what an emotion is communicating, not automatically agreeing with its demands. A child can hear: "I understand you're frustrated” while still hearing: "The answer is no." This distinction sits at the heart of effective emotion coaching (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1997).

Emotions Are Information, Not Instructions

One of the most useful lessons adults can learn is that emotions are information, they are not instructions. Feeling afraid does not always mean something is dangerous, as feeling angry does not necessarily mean somebody has behaved unfairly, and feeling embarrassed does not mean people are judging us. The emotion provides information - the interpretation still requires thought.

This idea aligns with appraisal theories of emotion, which suggest that the meaning assigned to an event influences emotional experience (Lazarus, 1991).

Helping children reflect on emotions means helping them understand both the feeling and the interpretation behind it.

Why This Matters

When emotions are viewed as messages rather than problems, adult responses often change. Instead of asking: "How do I stop this behaviour?" we begin asking: "What might this emotion be telling us?" Instead of asking: "How do I make this feeling go away?" we ask: "What need might sit underneath it?" This shift often creates greater understanding - and understanding is frequently the first step towards regulation.

Try This

The next time a child experiences a strong emotion, ask yourself:

• What need might this emotion be highlighting?

• Does the child need safety, connection, competence, belonging or autonomy?

• Is the emotion pointing towards a genuine problem or a perceived one?

• What support would help without removing appropriate boundaries?

  
  

Questions for Reflection

• Which emotions do you find easiest to respond to?

• Which emotions do you find most challenging?

• Do some emotions tend to signal the same needs repeatedly?

• What changes when emotions are viewed as information rather than problems?

  
  

Key Takeaway

Emotions may not always tell us exactly what is happening, but they often tell us that something feels important. Fear may point towards safety; Sadness may point towards connection; Anger may point towards fairness; Frustration may point towards competence. Understanding those underlying needs helps us move beyond behaviour and towards a deeper understanding of children's emotional experiences.

References

Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice Hall.

Darwin, C. (1872). The Expression of the Emotions in Man and Animals.

Frijda, N. H. (2006). The Laws of Emotion.

Gottman, J., Katz, L., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-Emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally.

Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation.

Maslow, A. H. (1943). A Theory of Human Motivation. Psychological Review, 50(4), 370-396.

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-Determination Theory and the Facilitation of Intrinsic Motivation, Social Development, and Well-Being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78