The Emotional Episode: From Trigger to Recovery (9)
Updated: 2 days ago
Part 9 in the Understanding your Child’s Emotions series
A child is happily playing, yet a few minutes later, they're shouting, crying, or storming off. To adults, such emotional reactions can sometimes seem sudden. One moment everything appears fine, the next, emotions have taken over. Yet emotions rarely come out of nowhere. Emotional experiences can unfold as a sequence of events which psychologists may describe as an emotional episode (Frijda, 2006). Understanding that sequence can help adults recognise emotions earlier and respond more effectively.
Emotions Usually Have a Beginning
When people think about emotions, they often focus on the visible reaction: The tears, shouting, withdrawal. But those reactions (the behaviours) are often the final stages of a much longer process. Before a child becomes angry, worried or upset, something usually happens. Psychologists often call this a trigger. A trigger might be: a disappointment, a perceived unfairness, a criticism, an unexpected change, a social difficulty, a memory, physical discomfort, or even a misunderstanding.
Importantly, triggers are personal. The same situation that barely affects one child may strongly affect another.
The Event Is Not Always the Emotion
Imagine two children are not chosen first for a team. One shrugs and carries on, the other becomes visibly upset. The event is identical but the response is different. As appraisal theorists such as Richard Lazarus argued, emotions are influenced not only by events but by how those events are interpreted (Lazarus, 1991). The brain is constantly asking questions such as:
What does this mean?
Is it important?
Is it fair?
Can I cope with it?
Those interpretations help shape the emotional response.
The Build-Up Phase
Many emotional episodes involve a period of escalation before emotions become obvious. Children often show subtle signs before reaching a peak emotional state.
These might include:
changes in posture,
changes in tone of voice,
fidgeting,
withdrawal,
irritability,
repetitive questioning,
difficulty concentrating.
Adults sometimes miss these early signs. Learning to spot the build-up phase can be valuable. It is often easier to support regulation early in the process than after emotions have become overwhelming.
Why Emotions Escalate
Once emotions begin increasing, several things can happen. Attention narrows, thinking becomes less flexible, emotional information becomes more prominent.
Children may become less able to:
listen,
problem-solve,
consider alternatives,
accept reassurance.
This is not necessarily a deliberate choice. Strong emotions can temporarily reduce access to the thinking skills needed to manage those emotions (Diamond, 2013). Adults experience this too. Most people can think of times when they said something in anger that they later regretted. The difference is that adults generally have more experience recovering from emotional activation.
The Peak
The peak of an emotional episode is often the point adults notice most. This is where behaviour becomes highly visible. When a child may: cry, shout, refuse, withdraw, become argumentative.
At this point, adults are often tempted to solve problems immediately. However, emotional regulation research suggests that problem-solving tends to be difficult when a person is highly emotionally activated (Gross, 1998). Understanding usually becomes easier after emotional intensity has reduced.
The Importance of Recovery
One aspect of emotion that receives surprisingly little attention is recovery. Recovery refers to how quickly a person returns to emotional balance following a strong emotional experience. Some children recover rapidly, others need considerably longer. Neither is necessarily right or wrong. These differences often reflect temperament, experience, emotional skills and available support (Rothbart, 2007).
Recovery matters because emotional growth does not occur only during emotional moments, it also occurs afterwards. Reflection and problem-solving usually happens during recovery or later.
Emotional Episodes Leave Traces
Emotional episodes do not simply disappear once they are over. Children often remember emotional experiences, especially if they are novel. These memories can influence future expectations and reactions. A child repeatedly overwhelmed by speaking in class may become more anxious about future presentations. A child repeatedly supported through difficult situations may become more confident. Previous experiences help shape future emotional predictions (Barrett, 2017). What happened yesterday can influence emotions tomorrow.
What Does This Mean for Adults?
Understanding emotional episodes encourages a shift in focus. Instead of asking:
"How do I stop this behaviour?" it can be helpful to ask: "Where in the emotional episode are we right now?"
Is the child:
approaching escalation?
at peak intensity?
beginning recovery?
ready for reflection?
Different stages require different responses: a child in escalation may need support, a child at peak intensity may need regulation, a child in recovery may be ready for conversation and learning.
Try This
The next time a child experiences a strong emotion, notice:
What happened beforehand?
What early signs appeared?
What happened during escalation?
How long did recovery take?
What seemed to help?
Look for patterns rather than isolated incidents. Patterns often tell us more than individual emotional episodes.
Kahneman's System 1 and System 2
I really like Daniel Kahneman's theory that our thinking operates through two systems:
System 1: Fast, automatic, emotional, instinctive. It reacts immediately and helps us respond quickly.
System 2: Slow, deliberate, logical, reflective. It helps us think things through and make reasoned decisions.
When a child experiences a strong emotional trigger (for example, being excluded by friends, getting into trouble, or feeling embarrassed), System 1 often takes over first. The child may cry, shout, withdraw, become angry, or say things they do not mean. At that moment, they are reacting emotionally rather than thinking logically.
What this means for children
When a child is highly emotional:
They often cannot access their best reasoning skills.
Telling them to "calm down" or "think logically" may not work immediately.
They first need help feeling safe, heard, and regulated.
Useful approaches:
Stay calm yourself.
Acknowledge the emotion ("That was really upsetting for you.").
Give time and space for the emotional intensity to reduce.
Once calmer, help them reflect:
What happened?
What were you feeling?
What could you do next time?
This helps move them from System 1 (emotion-driven) to System 2 (thinking-driven).
What this means for parents
A parent's own System 1 can also be triggered:
Child shouts → parent feels disrespected → parent reacts angrily.
Child refuses school → parent feels anxious → parent panics or argues.
Often the most helpful response is for the parent to engage their own System 2 first:
Pause.
Take a breath.
Recognise, "My child is having a hard time, not trying to give me a hard time."
Respond with curiosity rather than immediate judgement.
Questions for Reflection
What emotional triggers seem most common?
What early signs appear before emotions escalate?
How quickly do children recover from strong emotions?
Are some situations more emotionally demanding than others?
What support seems most effective during recovery?
Key Takeaway
Emotions are rarely single moments. They are processes. Most emotional episodes involve a trigger, an interpretation, a period of escalation, a peak, and eventually a recovery. Understanding that process helps adults move from reacting to behaviour towards understanding the emotional journey underneath it.
Next up, part 10 Connection Before Correction - allowing system 2 to kick in!
References
Barrett, L. F. (2017). How Emotions Are Made: The Secret Life of the Brain.
Diamond, A. (2013). Executive Functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135-168.
Frijda, N. H. (2006). The Laws of Emotion.
Gross, J. J. (1998). The Emerging Field of Emotion Regulation: An Integrative Review. Review of General Psychology, 2(3), 271-299.
Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation.
Rothbart, M. K. (2007). Temperament, Development, and Personality. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 16(4), 207-212.
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