Understanding Jealousy

Part 19 in the Understanding Your Child's Emotions series

Many adults feel uncomfortable discussing jealousy. It is often seen as an emotion people should not have. Yet jealousy is one of the most normal human emotions there is.

A question is not whether children feel jealous, a question is what jealousy might be telling us.

What Is Jealousy?

Jealousy often appears when something important feels threatened such as a relationship, belonging, attention or status.

Psychologists sometimes distinguish jealousy from envy, in that envy occurs when we want something somebody else has. For example: "I wish I had that toy." Jealousy usually involves the fear of losing something that already matters to us. For example: "What if my best friend likes somebody else more than me?"

In real life, the two emotions often overlap. Children may therefore experience both at the same time.

Jealousy Starts Earlier Than Many People Realise

Research suggests that jealousy can appear surprisingly early in development. Even very young children often react when attention shifts elsewhere, particularly towards siblings or other children (Hart & Carrington, 2002). This makes sense as children depend heavily on relationships. Attention from trusted adults is not simply pleasant, it is linked to safety, comfort and security. When attention appears to move elsewhere, strong emotions can emerge.

The Hidden Link to Belonging

One reason jealousy feels so powerful is that it is often connected to belonging. As discussed in earlier articles, human beings appear to possess a fundamental need for connection and acceptance (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). They are constantly trying to understand: Do I matter? Am I important? Do I still belong? Jealousy can sometimes emerge when those questions feel uncertain. The emotion may be saying: "Something important to me feels at risk."

Our Brains Naturally Compare

Human beings are remarkably good at categorising things. From an early age, children learn to sort the world into groups: big and small, fast and slow, fair and unfair, mine and theirs, and even place things easily into groups, such as animal or non-animal with little effort. This ability helps children make sense of a complicated world. The difficulty is that once we begin categorising, comparison often follows.

Psychologist Leon Festinger's Social Comparison Theory suggests that people naturally evaluate themselves by comparing themselves with others (Festinger, 1954).

Children may compare: toys, friendships, achievements, attention, abilities… as adult do too. The challenge is that comparison does not always tell us how well we are doing. It often tells us how we are doing relative to somebody else. And those are not always the same thing.

Why Relative Position Matters

One of the more surprising findings from psychology and behavioural economics is that people often care more about their position relative to others than about their absolute situation.

Researchers asked participants to imagine different scenarios involving income, status and possessions. One finding was that many people preferred being better off than their neighbours, even when that meant having less overall themselves (Solnick & Hemenway, 1998).

In simple terms, people may prefer to live in the best house on the street rather than a better house on a better street where everyone else has even more.

The finding highlights an important psychological truth - people do not evaluate experiences in isolation, they often evaluate them through comparison. And children frequently do the same thing. A child may not be upset because they received a reward, they may be upset because someone else received more.

Jealousy often grows in exactly this space between "What do I have?" and "What do they have?"

Jealousy Is Not Always About Possessions

Adults sometimes assume jealousy is mainly about wanting what someone else has. Often it is more complicated than that. Children may become jealous of attention, praise, experiences and more. For example, a child may complain about a sibling receiving a reward.

When Jealousy Becomes a Story

Like many emotions, jealousy is often influenced by the explanations children create. A child notices a friend spending time with somebody else. The event is real. What happens next is what matters. One child may think: "They can have more than one friend." Another may think: "They don't want to be my friend anymore."

As we’ve seen, emotions are strongly influenced by how situations are interpreted (Lazarus, 1991). The story attached to the event often shapes the emotional response.

Helping Children Understand Jealousy

The goal is not to eliminate jealousy. Like all emotions, jealousy provides information. Instead, children benefit from learning how to recognise it and respond thoughtfully. Adults can help by exploring questions such as:

• What feels threatened?

• What are you worried might happen?

• Is there evidence for that conclusion?

• What else might be true?

These questions encourage understanding rather than judgement.

What Not to Do

Adults are sometimes tempted to dismiss jealousy. For example: "There's nothing to be jealous about." Unfortunately, emotions rarely disappear because someone is told not to have them. Yet, acknowledging jealousy does not increase it, it creates an opportunity to understand it.

From Jealousy to Appreciation

As children mature, they gradually become more capable of balancing comparison with appreciation. They begin recognising that somebody else's success does not remove their own value, affection is not a limited resource, friendships can include more than one person, and praise given to somebody else is not criticism of them. These are surprisingly sophisticated ideas that develop gradually through experience and reflection.

What Does This Mean for Adults?

When children appear jealous, it can help to look beyond the behaviour.

Ask:

• What relationship seems important here?

• What fear may sit underneath the jealousy?

• Is the child worried about losing something?

• What conclusion have they reached?

Often the jealousy itself makes much more sense once the underlying concern becomes visible.

Try This

The next time a child seems jealous, avoid focusing immediately on the behaviour.

Instead ask: "What feels unfair, worrying or uncomfortable about this situation?"

The answer often reveals far more than the jealousy itself.

Questions for Reflection

When do children seem most likely to experience jealousy?

Is jealousy more common around siblings, friendships or achievements?

What conclusions do children tend to reach when feeling jealous?

How was jealousy viewed during your own childhood?

Are there ways adults unintentionally increase comparison?

How much of jealousy comes from what children have, and how much comes from who they are comparing themselves with?

Key Takeaway

Jealousy is not a sign that something is wrong with a child. It is often a sign that something feels important. Relationships, attention, belonging and self-worth can all sit beneath feelings of jealousy. Human beings naturally compare themselves with others, and jealousy often emerges when those comparisons create fears about losing status, connection or importance. When adults respond with curiosity rather than criticism, jealousy becomes an opportunity for understanding rather than something that has to be hidden.

References

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The Need to Belong: Desire for Interpersonal Attachments as a Fundamental Human Motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.

Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7, 117-140.

Hart, S. L., & Carrington, H. A. (2002). Jealousy in Young Children. In Handbook of Jealousy: Theory, Research, and Multidisciplinary Approaches.

Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation. Oxford University Press.

Solnick, S. J., & Hemenway, D. (1998). Is More Always Better? A Survey on Positional Concerns. Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, 37(3), 373-383.Hartup, W. W. (1996). The Company They Keep: Friendships and Their Developmental Significance. Child Development, 67(1), 1-13.