Fairness Matters (13)

Part 13 in the Understanding your Child's Emotions series

“It’s not fair!”

Many adults assume that fairness is something children learn later in life but research suggests otherwise. Studies have found that even young children respond strongly to situations involving unequal sharing and unequal rewards, suggesting that concerns about fairness emerge surprisingly early in development (Fehr, Bernhard & Rockenbach, 2008).

Jean Piaget argued that children's moral understanding evolves gradually, beginning with a focus on rules and consequences before developing into a more sophisticated understanding of intentions and fairness (Piaget, 1932).  However, whilst a child may not yet understand concepts such as justice, equity or reciprocity, they recognise from a young age

when something feels unfair. And when it does, emotions often follow.

Why Fairness Triggers Strong Emotions

From a psychological perspective, fairness is not simply a social preference, it appears closely linked to cooperation, social belonging and group living. Evolutionary psychologists have suggested that sensitivity to unfairness may have helped humans maintain cooperation within social groups (Fehr & Gächter, 2002)., which could explain why unfairness frequently triggers anger. This ties in with the functional theories of emotion, and the proposal that emotions evolved because they helped people respond to significant events (Frijda, 2006). From this perspective, anger often functions as a response to blocked goals, boundary violations or perceived injustice (Frijda, 2006).

The emotion may be signalling: "Something isn't right" or "The rules aren't being applied fairly."

The challenge lies in how children interpret and respond to this arising anger.

Equal Isn't Always Fair

One of the most important developments in childhood is learning that equality and fairness are not always the same thing. Younger children often focus heavily on equality, the simple idea that everyone should receive the same amount or have the same opportunity. As moral reasoning develops, children gradually become more capable of considering additional factors such as effort, need, circumstance and intention (Kohlberg, 1984).

Giving every child exactly the same amount of help may be equal but giving extra support to the child who needs it may be fairer. When they can understand, it’s worth introducing the concept of equity, although understanding this distinction takes time. It helps to use real, or even better personal, examples to achieve learning.

Equality v Equity

The Hidden Role of Perspective-Taking

Children's fairness complaints are often connected to their developing ability to understand other viewpoints. Piaget's work highlighted that younger children can be naturally egocentric, meaning they find it difficult to see situations from perspectives other than their own (Piaget, 1952). As children develop perspective-taking skills, fairness judgments often become more nuanced.

They begin asking questions such as:

• Did the other person know?

• Was it deliberate?

• Were there reasons for the decision?

• What information might I be missing?

These skills become increasingly important for emotional regulation and social problem-solving.

Feelings Are Real, Even When Conclusions Are Wrong

One of the most useful emotional lessons children can learn is that feelings and facts are not always the same thing. Appraisal theories of emotion suggest that emotional reactions are influenced by how situations are interpreted rather than by events themselves (Lazarus, 1991). A child may genuinely feel that something is unfair – a real reaction – but the child's interpretation may or may not be accurate. Helping children hold both possibilities at once is an important developmental skill. It allows emotional experiences to be respected without assuming that first impressions are always correct.

Fairness, Responsibility and Consequences

Children's responses to fairness can sometimes reveal interesting assumptions about responsibility.

Try this

Imagine a group of children deny leaving a mess on the floor. Rather than asking repeatedly who did it, an adult could ask each child: "What do you think should happen to the person who left that mess?"

The conversation can reveal how the child thinks about responsibility, accountability and fairness - and may even help reveal the culprit! (the harsh consequences being typically suggested by the innocent). The real value though lies not in catching children out, but in encouraging moral reflection and perspective-taking, both of which are central to moral development theories (Piaget, 1932; Kohlberg, 1984).

Why Adults Should Be Careful With "Life Isn't Fair"

Adults sometimes respond to children's complaints by saying: "Life isn't fair." It’s not a bad lesson for a child to learn but emotion coaching research suggests that acknowledging the emotional experience before moving towards problem-solving tends to be more effective (Gottman, Katz & Hooven, 1997).

Instead of dismissing the concern, adults might ask: "Tell me what feels unfair about it" or "What would fairness look like to you?" These questions encourage reflection rather than defensiveness.

Fairness and Emotional Resilience

One reason fairness is such an important topic is that life genuinely contains unfairness. Opportunities are missed, mistakes happen, people are treated differently. Things do not always work out as hoped. Psychologist Albert Ellis argued that emotional distress is often amplified by rigid beliefs about how things must be (Ellis, 1962).

Children who gradually learn that something can be unfair, disappointment can be tolerated, frustration will pass, often develop greater emotional flexibility.

This does not mean unfairness should be accepted passively. It means children can learn to respond constructively when it occurs.

Key Takeaway

Children's reactions to unfairness are rarely just about getting what they want. Fairness concerns often reflect developing ideas about justice, responsibility, belonging and how people should treat one another (Piaget, 1932; Kohlberg, 1984). When adults move beyond simply deciding whether something is fair or unfair, and instead explore why it feels unfair, children have opportunities to develop perspective-taking, emotional resilience and more sophisticated moral reasoning (Lazarus, 1991; Ellis, 1962). The goal is not to convince children that life is always fair, the goal is to help them respond thoughtfully when it is not.

Next, post 14 in the series: Helping Children Handle Injustice

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of Attachment: A Psychological Study of the Strange Situation. Erlbaum.

Bandura, A. (1977). Social Learning Theory. Prentice Hall.

Ellis, A. (1962). Reason and Emotion in Psychotherapy. Lyle Stuart.

Fehr, E., Bernhard, H., & Rockenbach, B. (2008). Egalitarianism in Young Children. Nature, 454, 1079-1083.

Fehr, E., & Gächter, S. (2002). Altruistic Punishment in Humans. Nature, 415(6868), 137-140.

Frijda, N. H. (2006). The Laws of Emotion. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Gottman, J., Katz, L., & Hooven, C. (1997). Meta-Emotion: How Families Communicate Emotionally. Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.

Kohlberg, L. (1984). Essays on Moral Development: Volume II. The Psychology of Moral Development. Harper & Row.

Lazarus, R. S. (1991). Emotion and Adaptation. Oxford University Press.

Piaget, J. (1932). The Moral Judgment of the Child. Routledge & Kegan Paul.

Piaget, J. (1952). The Origins of Intelligence in Children. International Universities Press.