Empathy: What It Is and How It Develops

Part 23 in the Understanding Your Child's Emotions series

A child sees a friend trip over and immediately rushes to help. Another notices somebody sitting alone and invites them to join a game. A third laughs when another child becomes upset. Why such different reactions? Part of the answer lies in empathy.

Empathy is often described as the ability to understand and respond to other people's feelings. It is one of the most important social and emotional skills children develop. Yet empathy is much more complex than simply being kind.

What Is Empathy?

Most people think of empathy as "Putting yourself in somebody else's shoes." While this is broadly true, psychologists often divide empathy into different components. Empathy can involve: recognising another person's feelings, understanding why they feel that way, caring about their emotional experience, and responding appropriately. A child may be good at one of these skills and still be developing another. This is one reason empathy develops gradually.

Empathy Is Not Sympathy

The terms empathy and sympathy are often used interchangeably, but they are not quite the same thing. Sympathy often means feeling concern for somebody, whereas empathy involves understanding their experience from their perspective. For example: A child might say: "I feel sorry for them." That is sympathy. A child who says: "I think they feel left out because nobody chose them" is beginning to demonstrate empathy. The difference may seem small, but it matters. Empathy requires perspective-taking.

Empathy Begins Earlier Than We Might Think

Developmental psychologist Martin Hoffman suggested that empathy develops in stages throughout childhood, becoming increasingly sophisticated as children gain a better understanding of themselves and other people (Hoffman, 2000). Young children's empathy is often emotional and immediate. As children grow older, it becomes more thoughtful and reflective.

Understanding Feelings Is Not the Same as Sharing Them

One common misconception is that empathy means feeling exactly what another person feels. It doesn't. Imagine a child whose friend is nervous about performing in a school play. The child may understand the nervousness without becoming nervous themselves.

Empathy does not require absorbing another person's emotions. It requires recognising and understanding them. In fact, maintaining some emotional distance is often helpful. It allows children to support others without becoming overwhelmed themselves.

Perspective-Taking Makes Empathy Possible

As we explored in the previous article, children gradually develop the ability to understand that other people can think differently from them. Theory of Mind plays an important role here. Before a child can fully understand how another person feels, they first need to recognise that the other person's thoughts, experiences and beliefs may be different from their own (Wellman, 2014). Perspective-taking creates the foundation that empathy builds on.

Why Empathy Can Be Difficult

Empathy is not always easy. It is often hardest when another person's experience is very different from our own. For example, it may be easy for a child to understand a friend who is disappointed about losing a game because they have experienced something similar themselves. It can be harder to understand experiences they have never encountered.

Children are learning that different people have different feelings, different situations affect people differently, and that emotional reactions do not have to match their own. This understanding develops gradually through experience.

Empathy and Friendship

Empathy plays an important role in healthy friendships. Children who can recognise and respond to other people's feelings are often better able to resolve disagreements, repair friendships, cooperate, offer support, and build trust. Friendships provide countless opportunities to practise these skills.

Every disagreement, misunderstanding or act of kindness helps children learn more about relationships.

Can Empathy Be Taught?

To some extent, yes. Children learn empathy through conversation, stories, observation, relationships, and play. Adults can encourage empathy by asking questions such as:

• "How do you think they felt?"

• "Why do you think they reacted that way?"

• "What might have helped in that situation?"

Stories and books can be particularly powerful because they invite children to explore experiences beyond their own.

When Empathy Is Missing

Adults sometimes worry when children appear unempathetic. It is important to remember that empathy is developmental. A child who struggles to recognise somebody else's feelings is not necessarily uncaring. They may not have noticed, not have understood, be focused on their own emotions, still be developing perspective-taking skills. Understanding usually comes before responding.

What Does This Mean for Adults?

When helping children develop empathy, it is often more effective to encourage curiosity than guilt. Instead of asking “How would you like it?" it can be helpful to ask "What do you think that was like for them?" The first question can feel like a criticism. The second encourages reflection.

Empathy tends to grow when children are invited to explore other people's experiences rather than being told what they should feel.

Try This

The next time you read a story with a child, pause occasionally and ask:

"What do you think that character is feeling?"

Follow up with:

"Why do you think they feel that way?"

The goal is not to find a perfect answer.

The goal is to practise thinking about other people's experiences.

Questions for Reflection

• How do adults model empathy in everyday interactions?

• Are some emotions easier for children to understand than others?

• What opportunities exist to explore different perspectives?

  
  

Key Takeaway

Empathy is not simply about being kind, it is the ability to recognise, understand and respond to another person's emotional experience. Like perspective-taking and Theory of Mind, empathy develops gradually throughout childhood. Every conversation, story, disagreement and friendship provides opportunities for that development. Sometimes empathy begins with a simple question "What might this be like for someone else?"

References

Hoffman, M. L. (2000). Empathy and Moral Development: Implications for Caring and Justice. Cambridge University Press.

Piaget, J. (1952). The Origins of Intelligence in Children. International Universities Press.

Selman, R. L. (1980). The Growth of Interpersonal Understanding: Developmental and Clinical Analyses. Academic Press.

Wellman, H. M. (2014). Making Minds: How Theory of Mind Develops. Oxford University Press.