Comparing Ourselves

Part 16 of the Understanding Your Child's Emotions series

Psychologist Leon Festinger proposed Social Comparison Theory, suggesting that people naturally evaluate themselves by comparing themselves with others (Festinger, 1954).

This makes sense when you think about it. Most things in life are difficult to judge in isolation. How fast am I? How clever am I? How successful am I? How popular am I? One way to answer those questions is to compare ourselves with somebody else.

Children begin doing this surprisingly early. As social awareness develops, they become increasingly aware of what other children can do, how well others perform, and where they perceive themselves to fit within the social world around them. In many ways, comparison is part of how children come to understand themselves.

The problem is not that children compare. The problem is that they sometimes draw harsh conclusions from those comparisons.

When Comparisons Hurt

Unfortunately, comparisons can sometimes damage confidence. A child may conclude: "I'll never be that good." "What's the point in trying?" "Everyone else is better than me." Notice what has happened here. The comparison itself is no longer the issue. The child has moved beyond observing a difference and started making judgements about themselves.

Research into self-esteem suggests that repeated negative comparisons can influence the way children think about their own abilities and worth (Harter, 2012). Over time, these conclusions can become part of a child's self-concept.

The comparison may be real. The conclusion may not be. One child may genuinely be further ahead in a particular area. That doesn't automatically mean the other child lacks ability, potential or value. Yet children often struggle to make that distinction.

Comparison and Belonging

Children do not only compare abilities. They compare friendships, appearance, possessions, achievements and social status. Why? Because comparison is often closely linked to belonging.

Children naturally want to understand where they fit within a group and how they are viewed by others. During middle childhood and adolescence, peer relationships become increasingly important, making these comparisons even more emotionally significant (Rubin, Bukowski & Parker, 2006).

A child who notices friends being invited somewhere they are not may experience something very different from simple disappointment. The comparison may raise questions about acceptance, friendship and belonging. This helps explain why some comparisons can trigger such strong emotional reactions. What appears to adults as a minor observation may feel deeply personal to the child experiencing it.

Progress Is Often a Better Comparison

One of the healthiest comparisons children can learn to make is with themselves. Modern educational psychology increasingly emphasises progress rather than performance. Research on growth mindset suggests that focusing on effort, improvement and learning can help support resilience and motivation (Dweck, 2006). Instead of asking: "Am I as good as them?" children can gradually learn to ask: "Am I improving?" This shift can be surprisingly powerful.

There will always be somebody faster, smarter, stronger or more experienced. Comparison with others therefore has no natural end-point.

Comparison with our previous selves is different. It keeps attention focused on growth.

The question becomes: "What can I do now that I couldn't do before?" That mindset often supports both confidence and persistence far more effectively than endless competition.

Comparison Has Become Harder

Previous generations mainly compared themselves with people they knew. Today's children often compare themselves with hundreds, or even thousands, of people online. They may compare: appearance, popularity, possessions, achievements, lifestyles.

The difficulty is that people rarely present an average picture of their lives. Social media tends to showcase highlights rather than ordinary moments.

Children are therefore often comparing their everyday experiences with carefully selected snapshots of someone else's life. This can make comparisons feel even more discouraging. Helping children understand this difference has become an increasingly important emotional skill.

Key Takeaway

Comparison is a normal part of childhood. It helps children understand themselves, develop goals and find their place within social groups. The challenge is not that children compare themselves to others. The challenge is the meaning they attach to those comparisons.

When children learn to view comparisons as sources of information rather than measures of worth, they are far more likely to remain confident, curious and motivated. After all, the goal is not to be better than everyone else. The goal is to keep growing.

Questions for Reflection

Which comparisons seem most important to children?

When do comparisons become unhelpful?

How comfortable are children with being different?

Do adults model healthy comparisons?

How often do children compare themselves with their past selves?

Are children comparing themselves to people's real lives, or to carefully selected highlights?

What messages do children receive about success, achievement and worth?

When children compare themselves to others, do they focus more on differences or on what they can learn?

References

Damon, W. (1983). Social and Personality Development: Infancy Through Adolescence. W. W. Norton.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. Random House.

Festinger, L. (1954). A Theory of Social Comparison Processes. Human Relations, 7, 117-140.

Harter, S. (2012). The Construction of the Self: Developmental and Sociocultural Foundations (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Rubin, K. H., Bukowski, W. M., & Parker, J. G. (2006). Peer Interactions, Relationships and Groups. In W. Damon & R. M. Lerner (Eds.), Handbook of Child Psychology (6th ed., Vol. 3). Wiley.

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does High Self-Esteem Cause Better Performance, Interpersonal Success, Happiness, or Healthier Lifestyles? Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 4(1), 1-44.